Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I Like You.

All of us, facing such a difficulties when it comes to love. Love is always an exquisite things to discuss. And difficult to learn. I learn to love a guy at such a young age. Fourteen. yes. fourteen. The age of the naive-but-eager-to-conquer-the-life-everyone-was-catching up-to. To think it back again, how absurd i was imagining this was the love i want. This is what i need. Teenagers. I was young. Mistake were made and regrets were born.

The way I perceive love change within time. all the friction that creates the fault lines in our relationship exist as we expect to much and doesn't match up to what we hope to get with also the mind that digest a fact that we think we get the love we deserve.

I learn today that it's not about either we are in love with someone, it's the drama that come along with being in love. the nuances. the screen of unthinkable plot that already happen in us. It is how we are in love. It is the slight uncertainty we're are told we shouldn't have. We accept that someone without such-certain-thing-you-need could come along and be better that what they have now. We believe that there is better out there. The impulse exist in us to try something else. To learn some fact that one of the human being out there is what we need.

And ever last of us can admit to knowing what it's like to be circling through these path and notions,
trapped between loving someone and wanting to choose otherwise.

Because we have that one problem.
We fail to realize that the heart is not a one time expanded thing.
You can't put someone in it and expect it to fill,to heal and to patch the broken pieces. the scarred contours. The struggle is there. When we leave, even we love them , and we fight, even though we love them, and we do too many wrong things to them, even though we love them, and it's not because we don't love them enough. It's just the way we perceive the love. It's just the way we treat the love expecting it will coexist there. Expecting it will be better.

Like what i had done.
I lost someone i love dearly when i was fourteen. There is a space in me searching and yearning to be filled. i picked the easiest way. find somebody-someone else to hold. so young. Such emptiness. But it never filled me.

When i was free, starting to learn living by myself out here, i felt the hole again. the needs to be love by someone out there. I searched, and searched, and searched. I met him. I did. I said the word. I love you. without thinking the impact it would made in me. I was naive to know that it was too soon or to heavy to bear those words.

Things were amazing with no flaws or defect. Perfect in our own way. For several years. for a while.
Until Atuk left. He left me. He passed away.
Again. I lost all the sense to live. I was in very dark room looking for a way out without a single light to hold me again. I sensed fear. Masked by the smile and pretending i am still obligated to the words i choose to say to him few years ago. I ran away. The thread is there. But it just hanging. Waiting for me to fix it back. But my heart wasn't there anymore. I doubt. I flinched. I want something else. Will it be okay.

I learn to love myself. I learn to hold back. Day by day , moment by moment, searching the missing pieces i needed, looking for a thing that i would never know if it would exist or not. We can expect that our hearts are able to hold more than one thing, more than one person, more than one feeling — but we cannot expect that they’ll all coexist perfectly. Love grows, and it grows you from the inside out. It expands you, but the expansion doesn’t eliminate whatever else was there beforehand.

So it doesn’t always look the way we think it should. There are hidden spaces and depths within us, and love sometimes comes out differently when it creates the echo of going through those parts of us as well.

Then. Something happen.
"I don't know. I just really comfortable being friend with you."
I know he wrote it with a smile. I looked at my phone screen. Thinking how to achieve my happiness on my own. I nodded.

I want to do it on my own way this time. I choose to learn to say it's okay learning the truth bout other soul first rather than incompetently saying he's the one i need.
I want to learn to say 'I like you' instead of 'I love you'. For i believe i need to learn liking people first before loving them. So i will not have those moments of over thinking either everything will be fine or not. Are his life will be better with me here or not. Will he getting a job or not. Will he start to plan or not. And i will have expectation , waiting patiently for he will decide either we are okay or not.

 We are not inherently whole once we’ve found another person to fit into us. Nobody can do that for us. We have to fill those spaces ourselves.So sometimes it goes misunderstood. But the comfort is in knowing that it’s not what we misunderstand about love as much as it is about how we let the misunderstanding open and expand us. It was us who created the love.

The only matter is that we let love do what it’s supposed to: give us more of it, even — and probably especially — when it means we have to take it for ourselves. Sometimes we choose people to show us the hidden parts of ourselves. Sometimes we choose people who we know will hurt us. Sometimes it’s the only way we can be acquainted with our inner beings, and even though we don’t understand it, it’s often the most honest, beautiful way we love ourselves too.

I want to learn to say 'I like you' first.
So i could have the time to see and touch someone soul a bit by bit.
So i could have the time to know something new about them.
So i could have the time to say i like this thing about them and what i like about me too.
and also what i don't like about them and learn to accept them first.
So i could have the time to love them.
Until then,
i want things to be this way.
I like you. Until we get there.

p/s : some of these beautiful words i read somewhere. Kudos to them for stating the exact words in my mind.

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